


In That Moment

by thatsoccercoach



Series: After [2]
Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Choosing Joy, Family, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 05:01:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14205630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsoccercoach/pseuds/thatsoccercoach
Summary: What should be a joyous occasion is overshadowed by the past. Jamie and Claire must learn how to face things and move forward.





	In That Moment

                                                               

She knew the very moment that their fourth child was conceived. She felt the presence of _life_ within her soul.

Over time she’d noticed that. Different people, doctors at the hospital in particular, called it different things. There was something in her that could tell which way people on the edge of life or death were going to tilt. She could feel life calling out to something in her very bones. A sixth sense? Intuition? She never tried to name it herself.

But she knew this life existed without a doubt. There was a tug on her heart, a call to her soul. For once she had realized she was pregnant before Jamie realized it and she rather wished she hadn’t.

Because this time she was terrified.

The girls were asleep, Jamie would be home from work soon, and she wanted definite answers. Scientific answers. So, she peed on a stick and had gotten one. Pregnant. Now, instead of elation, fear was coursing through her.

The wine she’d had after dinner last week. Had she been pregnant then? Would that small amount have done any harm to the baby? She worked in medicine and had seen the impact of alcohol. And she didn’t feel tired at all. Well, no more than she usually did chasing two toddlers around. Not tired, not nauseous, maybe not actually pregnant? Or maybe it was just that this was sooner than she’d realized she was pregnant than with Faith or Bree, or…

Maybe she’s lose this one. Just because they had Faith and Bree _obviously_ did not mean that she would carry this one to term. They’d found that out already. What if that happened again?

Her heart ached and she felt things begin to spiral beyond her control. She began to tremble, her chest felt constricted. Before she knew what was happening she was sobbing on the cold tile floor of the bathroom, gasping desperately for breath that she felt she’d never catch. Grasping desperately for hope that she felt she’d never hold.

Then he was there.

* * *

His heart broke for her. More than broke. She was tearing his guts out. Her pain was truly more than he could bear.

Jamie had come home to find his precious wife, tears brimming in her eyes, sitting on their bathroom floor. Balanced on the edge of their bathtub, in plain sight, was a positive pregnancy test. In what should have been a moment of celebration he felt only sorrow that his wife _couldn’t_ feel that happiness yet.

But, he determined, this would not be like last time. Whatever happened, they would take joy in the moment. Sometimes that joy would be naturally flowing but at other times it would have to be a deliberate choice in spite of their circumstances.

From that decision flowed conversation. He scooped Claire up off the floor and took her downstairs to the couch in front of the fireplace, settling her against him. From their conversation came an agreement. She could, would, choose joy as well. It didn’t mean denying the past or the life that had been lost too soon, it just meant that these moments were precious as well. It was an abrupt decision and they both knew that sometimes emotions trumped logic, yet it was a step. It was rather contrived and somewhat cliché to “choose joy,” but at the moment it was the direction in which they needed to go.

All of that resulted in the decision to call Murtagh and tell him their news. If anyone could help them in their endeavor to find the good in life, it was Jamie’s godfather.

“Aye, Murtagh?” Jamie spoke into the phone with a smile on his face. He was going to let Claire tell his godfather. He didn’t need a speakerphone, all he needed was to watch his wife’s face as she spoke the words. “Claire has something she’d like to tell ye.” Passing the phone to her, he watched.

Her eyes bright from the earlier crying as well as from her current emotions, Claire blurted into the phone “I’m pregnant.”

Suddenly he watched as Claire began to cry anew. His eyes filmed over with tears as she began to talk. Between gasps the story came spilling out.

They should have had another baby. After Bree, before this one. Another young Fraser should have been crawling around their house right now. Faith and Brianna should have been picking up their toys with tiny pieces and putting them up high so their younger sibling couldn’t reach. Claire should have been weighing whether drinking a bottomless cup of coffee filled with caffeine or nursing their child was higher on her list of priorities, knowing that she’d been done nursing their other children by this point. Jamie should have come home from work only to say “and how are my three wee bairns today?” And that was never going to go away, even with a new baby.

“I think,” Claire sniffed into the phone that was somehow granting her enough anonymity that she could let loose. “That I’m just as afraid of losing _this one_ as I am of _forgetting_ the one who came before.” She shuddered and then stilled.

Jamie took her into his arms. He heard Murtagh’s gruff voice but couldn’t make out the words. Claire seemed to relax at them though as he continued to soothe her.

“Yes, he’s right here with me,” she finally said into the phone in obvious answer to Murtagh’s question of whether or not Jamie was still there. “I love you too,” she whispered before hitting the _end_ button and setting the phone down.

“I realized something today,” she looked at him as another tear trickled down her pale cheek. “Something you probably already knew.”

“Aye?” He waited for her to continue, holding her close, praying that his touch was infused with enough love that she could feel it.

“I can’t do this alone.”

“Nor can I, Sassenach,” he said tenderly. Acknowledging the truth of her statement while making sure she knew it wasn’t a shortcoming or a failure. “I would never want ye to.”

And they continued to choose joy, _together_.


End file.
